People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
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Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?