@bourgeoisalien: People don't realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I'm late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
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@david8hughes: [police car behind me] Me: shit, was that a red light back there? My dog: like a light grey Me: ... My dog: if that helps
@UncleDuke1969: Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team? Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute. Jim: No, I- Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
@occupied_stall: I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I'm gonna live stream my proposal..