People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
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Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.