@mrjohntofu: People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
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@WilliamAder: Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can't sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
@jwoodham: Can't wait to say "I haven't seen you since last year!" to everyone I see next week. I'm a very popular person with thousands of friends.
@BiscuitFloater: Pro tip: Next time you're at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper "Hey, wanna get outta here?" If she says yes, you can sit where she was.