@mrjohntofu: People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
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@KentWGraham: Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
@DanMentos: judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
@werehedgehog: Don't go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.