People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
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I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
ready to be harvested
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.