@wolfpupy: people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
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@jessokfine: My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
@DamienFahey: Congratulations, Americans who write "Cheers" at the end of e-mails. You've found something even more pretentious than "Sent from my iPhone"
@disaster_dog: if there were a zombie apocalypse i'd save a lot of kids but it would be only because i'd need them later to feed zombies so i can run away
@mrtruthandsoul: 5yo: Why is he crying? Me: That's a teardrop tattoo. 5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison? M: What? 5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.