people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
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Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*