People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
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Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.