SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
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Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
me as a parent
#catsoftwitter
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.