“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
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“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
whatcha thinkin bout
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
The fall of Netflix
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen