[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
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We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Meanwhile in Canada…