Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
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Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.