People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
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When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
*updates tinder bio*
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.