People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
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When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve