@WhatevaConc: People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@imteddybless: [cool person follows me] me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it's only good tweets from here me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
@StephenAtHome: Netflix is raising its monthly rates?! Man, whoever's password I'm using has got to be pissed.
@House_Feminist: Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you're so quiet it's hard to tell if you're turned on
@HotSnuff: Guy told me I have "Bambi eyes"...is that even a compliment? Oh god, please don't shoot my mother.