@WhatevaConc: People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
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@brian_bilston: There once was a poet on Twitter who grew increasingly bitter. He couldn't surmount the strict character count and so his poems got even shi
@kevinseccia: Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there's no racism problem?
@tuckerflodman: *Snowman wakes up in hospital* "What happened to me?!" Snow Doctor: Don't worry you're fine. But... what did you think a snow blower did?
@Storminika: My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he's no good in bed anyway.