@WhatevaConc: People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
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@novicefather: Bro. It's not ladies man, it's ladies' man. Chicks dig a dude who can navigate a plural possessive.
@StoferComic: An argument with my wife is like the gas pedal on a Prius. I can put my foot down, but I don't really expect much to happen...
@TheBoydP: If it's so good why can't I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
@ThaJawn: Angel: God.. Were you drunk creating last night? God: no..... Angel: *holds up platypus God: a little..