@WhatevaConc: People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
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@mishakey: It's fun to watch a waitress flirt with my husband for an entire meal, then see that look of betrayal as I take the check from her hand.
@Teowulf: We get it - "Bacardi" rhymes with "party," "bottle" rhymes with "model," and "sex" rhymes with "text." You rappers can stop rapping now.
@thepatrickwalsh: My dad's visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
@Brianhopecomedy: My wife: "What are you doing?" "Having an argument on Twitter" "With a man or woman?" "A lamp."