People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
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[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Me as a therapist: omg same
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t