People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
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Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Time heals everything 🙂
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
love it when they get my name right
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond