@Playing_Dad: People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V "Tuesday"
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@murrman5: [roommate hears me come in] "how was the date?" [face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I'm allergic to shellfish
@bobvulfov: [gf falls asleep during a movie] ME: aw [i get a blanket] ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum's riddles
@TheBoydP: There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.