People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
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In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Never forget.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.