People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
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did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin