People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
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She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.