People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
*seductively eats two tums*
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new