Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
You Might Also Like
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles