People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
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Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam