ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
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Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.