People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
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If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
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☑️ I was drunk
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Can’t stop laughing
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Best table by far
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”