People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
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I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
This is no longer winter this is harassment
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
my nickname in college
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.