People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
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One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*