People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
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If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
what could possibly go wrong?
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
“A little help here, Danny?”
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
this country is so goddamn polarized
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*