People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
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My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”