People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
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I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
not to brag, but mine was free
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.