People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
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I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body