People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
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Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one