“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
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no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Feels like the fourth month in January
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
#SaturdayBears
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Fluff me with a fork baby
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.