People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
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Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
My dating profile:
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?