People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
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Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Whisper out to librarians!
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.