@NotJPo: I may be delusional, but at least every single person I've ever met is in love with me

@Jeffwni: [Ancient Egypt job centre] - Name? "Ankhesenamun" - How do you spell that? "Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest"

@hippieswordfish: ME: I JUST WENT TO THAT NEW SALON WHERE THEY CUT YOUR HAIR OFF BY SHOOTING IT WITH A GUN FRIEND: oh cool how was it ME: WHAT

@LOsepyan: We should let prisoners take their own mug shots...I shall call it "The cellfie"

@GoldenSpirals: I thought I might be pregnant. It turns out I'm just three months fat.