@lawyerthoughts: Hey people who don't understand sarcasm, what's it like being so awesome?

@Dutch_50: Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver

@QuiteQuietOne: The embarrassment when you wake up to find your panties hanging from a chandelier and think, how did I end up in a place with a chandelier?

@ramblinma: Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto--- Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

@OhNoSheTwitnt: I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying "at least I didn't kill anybody" to like every person he sees today.