@TheRealHoff10: People keep asking me today "So you have a new boss?" No, I'm still with my wife.
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@Dutch_50: Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
@QuiteQuietOne: The embarrassment when you wake up to find your panties hanging from a chandelier and think, how did I end up in a place with a chandelier?
@ramblinma: Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto--- Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*