I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
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Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.