@TheTweetOfGod: People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that's why.
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@DanMentos: [taking FRIENDS quiz] 7. Which character do you most identify with? Ross 8. Which is your least favorite character? Ross
@KelgoreTrout: "911 whats your emerge-" I THOUGHT I COULD TAKE THESE PANTS OFF WITHOUT TAKING OFF MY SHOES
@Home_Halfway: ROOMMATE: Hank is coming by later ME: Cannibal Hank or Pastry-Loving Hank? [From outside] HEY ANYBODY WANNA EAT A DANISH ROOMMATE: Yeah I don't know man