People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
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Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
23. the denim jacket
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
B
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.