@TheTweetOfGod: People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that's why.
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@nbadag: [hosting a kids show] ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!! KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME! [camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
@Proxic0n: EXPLORER: so we found all this new land KING: Sweet What did you name it? E: Newfoundland K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
@ValeeGrrl: 5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE'RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN'T WE DOING GOOD? Me: [in bed] Yeah. You're doing GREAT.