@TheTweetOfGod: People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that's why.
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@thestlouisan: My 5 year old just ended a phone call with "I gotta jump, Daddy. I'm out." And now everyone in my house is officially cooler than me.
@Floatersfinest: I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks 'This is WAY cheaper than Asylums'
@jergarl: 87% of my day is spent remembering my kids names and my anniversary and stuff and the other 57% is trying to do math.