People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
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Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.