I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
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My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907