@StormErika: People keep escaping from maximum security jails and I can't even manage to leave 5 minutes early from work.
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@MythicPicnic: Bought a new exercise program Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort So I did
@UncleDuke1969: Waitress: Is this your grandma? Me: My wife. Waitress: ... Me: ... Waitress: I am SO sorry. *walks away* Grandma: Nice one. High five!
@fro_vo: Me: my fitbit broke Sales Guy: how Me: i put it on my dog's tail and asked him who's a good boy Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
@aimlessamers: First date Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends Him:(in tights) YOU'RE GOING DOWN *flips table*