@StormErika: People keep escaping from maximum security jails and I can't even manage to leave 5 minutes early from work.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@robdelaney: It's normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
@david8hughes: Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we're done. Me handing him my boxers: I'm in a rush. Just wring these out.
@MattOswaltVA: couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
@AnotherFunnyGuy: If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.