I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
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that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
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My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Put the is in disheveled
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING