@Metalligretch: People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
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@kwirkyKerri: *at movie theater* M: I'll take a large popcorn with extra butter. H: Sure. What movie are you seeing? M: I'm not.
@noog: People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
@RidiculousSheri: I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
@protolalia: Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver's license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?