@Metalligretch: People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
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@dildointherough: Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
@Darlainky: A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don't understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
@HrBry: Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
@jordan_stratton: I don't want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.