People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
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I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
New favorite tiktok
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.