@WilliamAder: People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
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@mjkspeaks: Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump's security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
@omgthatspunny: Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
@TattleTSister: I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
@Reverend_Scott: [wedding reception] DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions? IDK HE'S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING