People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
You Might Also Like
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.