@WilliamAder: People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
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@dafloydsta: "DADDY THERE'S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED" [me opening bedroom window] Wife: What are you doing? Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
@lilgapeach30: Guys say "never trust something that bleeds seven days and doesn't die" as if something with two heads powered by one brain is trustworthy.
@murrman5: good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed "we don't have a dog" *smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*