People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
A fake ID that makes you younger
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
it is time once again
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us