@mc_funbags: People keep telling me I behave like a man so I'm currently working up the courage to tell my husband he's gay.
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@foodfacenow: Interviewer: What drives you? Me: The bus mostly Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning? M: missing the bus
@TheTweetOfGod: Great news! Chipotle is giving out thousands of free burritos tomorrow! That means I’ll be seeing thousands of you by this weekend!
@AmishPornStar1: "Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?" -my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other