People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
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People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
This anagram machine is out of order.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter