People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
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“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Jurassic park gets weird
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up