People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
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The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
*checks Timeline*…
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.